Now as many of you know I have been finding life rather difficult, especially over the last month or so. I have disappeared off the radar somewhat these last few days. What with money worries mounting up, fibro flaring up and my two closest relationships busting up, life simply became unbearable. As I sat and calmly popped the amitriptyline tablets out of their foil packets I longed to fall asleep, fall away from all my troubles.
I called William to tell him I loved him and that I was going to sleep now. I felt I had to say goodbye to him. After swallowing the pills down with a glass of water I had a very strange content feeling wash over me. I thought I done it, this was it now, I wouldn't have to suffer another day.
Reading this back it all seems so selfish. Suicide is often described as a selfish act due to the pain it causes loved ones. However those of you who have suffered suicidal thoughts will know it is far from it. I can only speak of my own experiences and say that at the time of taking the overdoses I truly believed it was the best course of action for not only myself but for those around me. I would no longer cause any stress and worry to my family and friends. I would no longer be a financial burden upon them. I would no longer cause trouble amongst them.
I awoke some 26 hours later to missed calls, voicemails, texts, emails, tweets... I was somewhat baffled. It would appear that I had put myself into a coma during this time. I had altogether no recollection of anything, I even tried to argue with William that I had spoke to him only 2 hours ago! As I slowly pieced together what had happened I couldn't decide if I was disappointed or relieved to be awake.
I am still in a dark place and unsure of my purpose in life. Having suffered for depression for many years this feeling is far from alien to me. To those who have never felt so desperately unhappy I guess it is all very difficult to comprehend. Some people struggle to empathise with my actions and are angry with me, say I'm stupid or just try to carry on as normal pretending nothing has happened. Everyone deals with the aftermath of attempted suicide differently. Personally I have spent lots of time away from my flat, escaping my troubles until I feel strong enough to face them again.
Mental health is far more common than most people realise...
- A colossal 450 million people worldwide are estimated to have a mental health problem.
- It is estimated than 1 million people worldwide will die each year from suicide.
- In 2010 more than 5,700 of those deaths took place in the UK.
- Suicide remains the most common cause of death in men under the age of 35.
With these statistics in mind why is mental health still such a taboo subject?
Take care for now